Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
