Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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