You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You have to summon your inner elephant
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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