It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
