NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize