There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
