Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
