I think I just saw someone hide a body.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize