She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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