here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
