Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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