Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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