we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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