I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
