The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
