I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
