Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He better not be in your backpack
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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