if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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