i just wanna soil my oats bro
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize