i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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