Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
