hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Bring me that man meat
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
