I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
