I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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