I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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