I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
