EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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