And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
