I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
