he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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