if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
