I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
