time to smoke my breakfast
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
