Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
