I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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