Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
