then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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