As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
