I wish I only lived at night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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