I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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