Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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