can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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