barbara walters just said penis...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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