you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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