I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
