this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize