Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
