for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
