Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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