Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
