i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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