I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
