Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
