so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
