remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
