you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
