The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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