today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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