Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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