I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
