I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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