Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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